It's a kind of ennui...

Well, I've finished another draft of my novel. I was happy, but now I've gone quite down hill over the whole thing. I don't know... it's just strange. I loved what I had written, but now I'm scared.

Scared that I'm just stupid to have tried writing... scared that I'm not good enough... scared that the novel isn't good enough...

I've kind of lost my impetus to keep writing, despite the fact that I start a job soon and I'll not have anywhere near this much free time. I am forcing myself to keep up to the deadlines that Font will impose when the site is up and working, but apart from that I... I don't know.

I think I'm just worried about what people are going to say when they read the novel. I've never been able to handle failure well (yeah, I know, how the hell can I not have learned to cope with failure when I'm a man?!), and I'd feel like a failure if people over-criticised the work.

Then again, I might feel like a failure if they don't fall in love instantly with the novel and beg me to write more. I'm just that stupid!

It's been affecting other parts of my life; I'm just feeling very down, and I've been unfairly taking it out on my girlfriend. Hopefully this little bit of ranting will help.

Ennui is a good word for how I'm feeling, but I can't let it get to me anymore. Need to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, as it were. Not that I've worn proper boots since middle school...